What the hell are you doing here....?

As she opens the door there is the familiar feeling of being home . After 20 years she is back where most of her memory bank was developed. She knows this house like the back of her hand ... this the entrance to a room ..... the room stretches to her right hand side .. it has a small window in front of it is the big bed ..... u can see outside, lying on the bed ... smell of fresh air on a warm April night can be sensed.


As she moves along she enters the another opening and there is the open veranda .... it serves as a bathroom... a water tank, couple of buckets a broken faucet; on one side of the veranda is a kitchen ... a big area with lots of shelf , some storage place, the alignment of various tables serve the purpose of the much needed "kitchen platform".

Moving along on the other end of the veranda is another room as big as the first room.
hmm this was her room which she shared with two other people .... this is her favorite place . she looks around on one side of the wall there are shelves full of books, piggy bank, one of the shelves serves the purpose of the dressing table also.. there are total of 5 shelves and the space is well utilized.

There is a window on the same wall which has five shelves under the window there is a big shelf ... the window opens in the veranda ... their sewing machine lies under the window's shelf. Two beds one next to the window and the other is next to the opposite wall, between the beds is the space to walk around the room. There is another door which opens in the back and some kind of a outhouse is there actually two of them cause right next to this house there is another set of same structure.

All of a sudden she hears the voices coming from the first room... she waits for them to come to the middle ground the veranda ... looks outside the window in the veranda to look at her visitors Mr. C and his daughter. Very purpose fully Mr. C moves around her house pointing out how it can be changed saying " the kitchen is incomplete the house is not connected together... the two room are far apart and if you close the doors that open in the verandas one room will be completely cut off from the other... we need to work on this house". while the father is busy trying to fix the deal .. the daughter decides to throw a tantrum... looking bored and telling me that this is a village and the house is very boring. She turns around and tells her father she needs music and wishes to dance ....every body starts looking at her... then it dawns on her that she is expected to entertain the annoying little girl.
There is no power so no music she turns around and tells the girl "i am sorry we have 72 hrs power cut ... but before she can say any further the girl is already jumping around the whole room...bet ween beds ..next to the door .. in veranda and every one else to has joined in.

Finally when she cant take it any longer she goes to Mr. C and says hey you are not part of this picture what the hell are you doing here ... you are not suppose to be here ... these are my memories and you are part of my present so take your annoying daughter and out you go ..."
Thats when she feels a sudden pressure on her left shoulder and turns around and lies down on her right shoulder. Mr.C and his daughter are gone and now everything is just the way it used to be like she remembered warm summer breeze ... 72 hrs power cuts beds spread out in the veranda all of her family around her with their respective hand held fans .. careless bantering .... as she lies on her back and looks at the stars above she knows she is home ..even though its in her dreams.

Anxiety Attack

Here it is here it is , the familiar nauseous feeling
My throat is dry, i got belly butterflies
I am restless,its the sinking feeling which I can not control
I think I am gonna die,
here it is here it is my ole friend Anxiety Attack

Sometimes i know its coming at times it catches me off guard
it can last for minutes, hours or days even when it is visiting
I know it will make me a nervous wreck make me doubt what is for real and what is not
God i know this too shall pass and there will be a morning of hope... new opportunities
Go away go away my Anxiety attack !!!

Passport

Life sure knows how to keep people grounded and humble. when ever you start to fly high trivial chores or routine tasks can be an eye opener as in how difficult an easy task could get.

In the recent past I have been guilty of believing in miracles. They say that if you are looking for a miracle it can be found every where; in fact my typing this post at 3:47 am Monday 18th May 2015 sitting on the couch at my sisters's place in Waukegan, Chicago itself is no short of a miracle.

It all started on 29th Nov 2012 when I filled in an online application form for my Passport. I did have one but thanks to my negligence it never got renewed once it expired and then due to the time lapse I was asked to apply for a fresh passport and not for the renewal.  It seemed like an easy enough task and with all the computerization and new rules of issuing a passport within 90 days of application I thought I would be good to go latest by March 2013 to visit abroad. And so it started the miracle in waiting after application I went through the routine verification and police verification process... days turned in to months and months into 20 months to be exact. During the course of these twenty months I had gone through the process of police verification 3 times at two different places but still no passport. My passport became the laughing stock , every body would ask in good humor what did you do, they don't want to let you out of the country .. the jokes were not funny anymore and so I kept following it up the best I could and I was told repeatedly it will be done in ten days .

Tired , hopeless and feeling dejected in the new efficient system of external affair ministry I confided in one of my friends about my desperate situation. From that point onward when I was about to give up on ever getting  new passport things started happen my friend referred me to a friend who refereed me to a person who dealt with cases like mine where sometimes the routine government procedure fails to deliver and they would go step by step to identify what the problem is and how it can be dealt.

I got in touch with this gentle man in Aug 2014 and by the end of Nov 2014 I had my passport. It was a miracle simply because some time in Jan 2015 this gentleman who helped me get my passport which was stuck for 20 months passed due to cardiac arrest . Now I would like to believe that he came into my life for three months only to give me the freedom to travel abroad otherwise who is to know when and how much I would have had to struggle before I would get my new passport. According to what he told me my application had not even moved out of the Police station because the cops did not give me a green signal since I refused to grease their greedy palms.  It all sounds very routine but to me it is a miracle because I know the deadlock my application was in and there was no way as a common man I would have ever discovered that all this while when I was repeatedly visiting the police station it was all in vain as they were not even updating their records  or even the dates on which I had visited the police station.

All this done with and when I go to tell my friend thank you for every thing she did to get me connected to the gentleman who finally did get my passport work done she tells me solemnly ... " well sandy you better make that trip to visit your sister because Mr. P passed away and you were probably one of the last cases he worked  on, consider this as a gift or a miracle because of the timing, struggle, and everything falling in to place in the matter of three months. "

Here today as I type this post I say a silent prayer for Mr. P... thank you for my Passport !!!

Out of the Blue...

Out of the blue the thought of you takes me back in time

My mind starts to follow my heart and soon enough we are together

I remember the knock on the window sill, I remember the roaring of the yezdi,

I remember when everything changed, I remember the first time I walked through those gates the warning said “dogs are alright beware of the owners”

They said you were a bad boy … how true it was ….the more I got to know you the truer it became …

The bond we shared was so twisted and so strong … even today I know you are there,

You were my first best friend someone who just knew all my weaknesses and covered it so well …

I often think of you … but then you know that is nothing new…

I miss you! I miss you! I miss you

Out of the blue the thought of you takes me back in time

Coming back to darkness

After months of merry making and living life, the bright sun makes my eyes cringe... the clean air filling my lungs, beautiful months filled with self assurance. Where nothing is expected, there are no desires its pure and simple living. Often one wonders life which is self centric is it worth living should it not be shared and talked about with others who have the same experiences.

When the days are spent and there are no unfilled dreams when the contentment has reached its fill; and there is no more room for it the painful process of emptying the vessel begins. Every time when your satiation is at its peak one must seek new non achievable challenges, one must raise the bar of pain, failure and disappointment, take a chance, being aware about the probability of complete loss.

Why must You play this game, why is contentment not enough; you desire the forbidden, its the need to self destruct, the need to self doubt, the need to deprive thyself the true happiness because on some deep sub conscious level you feel one is not worthy of life so simple, elegant and peaceful.
The drama, the theatrics, the pathos and the melancholic air of it all makes my comfort zone.The darkness, solitude, anxiety, fear, loss, loneliness, is all to familiar, the silence, the shutting down, the disappointment are my true self reflections. 

People come and people go, my sense of loss only grows with time too much sunshine has made me cynical, the clean fresh air stifles me. its like my air supply has been tampered with; I seek my all to familiar fog of doubt, distrust, deception, disappointments where is the smog, the polluted air that I am addicted to, the air which is multiplying like a virus that will kill me finally ... the process is slow and painful I await for it , the day will come when I am done with this vessel I wish this life is the end of it all. My final sleep am sure the nightmares will never leave me, but then there is a guarantee of never waking up ... oh my eternal dark sleep I await you. ...... we belong together and still you don't come to me I am your true companion once we are together you will know how beautiful darkness is ...

STORMY WEATHER by Ethel Waters 1933 (Just discovered this voice)

The Easter Basket

After 40 days of absenteeism he always looked forward to the Easter basket. The symbolic Easter basket would have all sorts of surprises hidden amongst its depth.

A brother who was a Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, tooth fairy all wrapped in one.

  Since the time he had known presents his brother was always the giver, life of pampering, loving and being cherished was all he knew. Growing up has its own casualties, reality bites in all the right places and one realizes the true essence of living and admiring life and its surprises.

It was Easter time …Only this time it will mark the turning point in their life. A point from which they will both return enriched with humility, and enlightened with reality of life. Things they took for granted are no more the same; there is a new hue around their desires and it’s this hue that will take them forward.

 As the younger brother YB sat near the window contemplating the Easter surprise for his elder brother he could not think of much. With no money in his bank and meager salary of his elder brother, what ever little they had was not for celebration but essentials.

Sitting alone and wallowing in self-pity can be very depressing and so he decided to do what he would often do to cheer himself up… he decided to go in the kitchen n cook an Easter dinner for his brother. The warmth of kitchen, the familiar spices, and tall bottles of emptiness filled him with the desire to make the most of what ever was left in their kitchen.

There was a sack of potatoes and a stale packet of bread some left over milk in the pot.

The menu was ready its going to be one the most favorite meal of his brother only this time it was not made because it was favorite but because there was nothing else to cook and for now it was all  they could afford. At the cost of sounding ungrateful he thought it’s the same menu but circumstances have changed its tuff to live a simple life when you are used to privileges; only u never knew they were privileges and mistook them as necessities.

He started boiling the potatoes and chopping onions, green chilies, and some coriander leaves … once the potatoes were boiled and mashed he will make potato cutlets and with  the left over coriander and green chilies some spicy chutney would compliment the cutlets perfectly. The stale packet of bread when toasted along with hot ginger flavored tea will make a hearty meal and the elder one would not even know its because the pots were empty because it will be perfect for him being his favorite and all.  The only thing that was left was the dessert. He knew how much his brother loved sweet so a toast with scraped jam from the bottom of the jar will do for today.

Time passed by and soon he realized its 8 pm and decided to get dressed for the special dinner very soon his brother will be home. He wanted to be his cheerful best, he did not wish to show how troubled he was because of their financial situation and how much he wanted to help him out and how desperate he was to start his job if only some one would give him one.  He knew that last of what ever the savings his brother had, was already with-drawn today morning so that he could go to work. They had mutually decided that going to work was the most important aspect so that the income of one person is assured irrespective of rains, exhaustion, cough n colds taking an off was not an option because that meant lesser amount on the payday.

Aah the calculation, planning and budgeting are such a waste when you barely have enough to feed and stay put in one place yet that is what he would do so that not even a dime is spent on something that could be considered as a waste or a luxury.

In the morning before leaving for work he was asked one last time what would he like as Easter present and he replied very strictly “I don’t want anything you give me my Easter present along with my birthday present”, which was coming up in another 2-3 months thinking by that time he will surely find some kind of work and things will be better. YB made him promise he will not splurge on Easter present they were together that it self was more than he could ask for this Easter and that was to be the end of discussion for both.

On the sound of the bell he ran to open the doors and the first thing he asked “I hope you have not wasted the precious money on buying me an Easter present”.  As his brother passed him in the hallway and came in he didn’t even notice how exceptionally tired he looked.  He sat and asked for a glass of water YB went to get the water and they both sat and started talking about their day and how they spent it. The younger one told excitedly I made your favorite dinner today and smiled … the elder one replied don’t tell me its potato cutlets with toast knowing well that there was nothing else to cook when he left the house in the morning. The gurgling and rumbling of their tummy reminded them they were hungry and now it was time to eat the favorite meal.

As they sat to eat they prayed together and thanked god for the blessing that they were to each other and knew as long as they are together potato cutlets will always be their favorite meal simply because they were together. When the meal got over YB went in the kitchen to get the toast with jam in the place of dessert. On returning he saw there was this beautifully wrapped present sitting in the middle of the table.  He gave the suspicious look to his brother and heard himself saying “I told you not to…You know we can t indulge our selves” the elder one replied I took the bus today and saved on the cab and from that saved money I bought this .. Go ahead open it.

Slowly YB started unwrapping what seemed to be very heavy package….very soon he could make out it was a basket; in-fact it was thee most beautiful Easter baskets he had ever seen … it was of Blue and silver colored wire, meshed into a basket and within it were 3 Easter eggs one made of marzipan one made of chocolate one made of chocolate and filled with candies. With tears in his eyes he hugged his brother because he knew today he has received the biggest Easter basket that ever was made and which will never be empty of good wishes, love, safety, brimming with god’s love and overflowing with that warm feeling of being loved and being together.

He saw his brother smiling as they both wished each other “Happy Easter”.