Learning & Relearning

Learning starts from the minute we are born. One of the first things that we learn is to breathe on our own out side the comfort zone of our mothers womb.... Our first lesson learnt.... we move on and as we grow and as the years are added to our existence our process of learning keeps evolving.

During the course of life we learn to enjoy the materialistic as well as spiritual experiences. Our everyday interaction with people makes us understand them and most of the lessons learnt are common to all human beings, the difference lies in the way they were taught or learnt. Our parents try and protect us and pass on their experiences to us so that we have a well protected environment to adapt the tricks of surviving and living in this world.

BUT The fact of the life is that only self learning is what is referred to when ever we are faced with some of the most difficult circumstances . Its a high to be able to understand the complexities of life once you have gone through them yourself. We do so in our own space and comfort zones.
After a while we feel we have learnt most of thee survival techniques that will help us to sustain our selves in this unpredictable, completely chaotic forever demanding world.

Since learning is an ever evolving aspect of our life sometimes the lessons we learn make us cynical or may be they challenge our belief in ourselves --- thats the time when the same lesson has to be re-learnt. The process may be repetitive but the result often provides more value addition to us. Going through the same cycle of events to enhance our learning and experiential knowledge, Does not mean we are making the same mistake on the contrary it means that we are more in control and better equipped to handle the result even if it is disappointing. Its more like taking another chance in life and hoping this time the result will be positive and when they are not.... we have relearned the lesson with a new perspective... its a refreshers course and it keeps us updated with the latest belief so that we can enjoy our present and may be improve our future...

"Everybody Knows" Leonard Cohen

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died

Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that youve been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows youve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

And everybody knows that its now or never
Everybody knows that its me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when youve done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old black joes still pickin cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

And everybody knows that the plague is coming
Everybody knows that its moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But theres gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows

And everybody knows that youre in trouble
Everybody knows what youve been through
From the bloody cross on top of calvary
To the beach of malibu
Everybody knows its coming apart
Take one last look at this sacred heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Oh everybody knows, everybody knows
Thats how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows

The Death of Self

One could sense the inevitable pathos ... the rains the melancholy was making the air thick. On inhaling it was filling the lungs with some thing so dark and poisonous that she could sense the end was near. That was her only companion.. a companion she discovered in her early teens ... when she had no friends she would seek the company of her companion which she knew will never refuse. All those years when she was feeling lonely, weak, unsure.. the companion would be with her and give her solace. Her demons were such that they could not be shared with anyone and she had to fight them alone, hiding the truth from others but her companion knew the real her.

Years of personal insight had led to the self discovery, confidence, a new life but just like a secret well kept no one ever knew what had brought the change.. where did the inner resolve come from.? The source was unknown to all but her. Her companion would give her guidance and lay the foundations for family values, family bonding, and strength which can only come from your own flesh & blood.
Yet today she stands alone burying it in the deepest pit of her heart and the only thought that comes to her mind is "I have to let go of you to hold on to someone I love the most and is willing to let go of me for some one who they love the most". Although my dear companion you will always be there in my heart and I owe my life to you, I have to let go of you and go on without you. Dear self you no more exist until I turn into a hollow cast with no spirit and no thoughts to ensure that I survive. I am not a sacrificial lamb but I am the one who has decided to compromise to peaceful existence cause as long as you Live in me the self will always try to surface and I need to loose my identity to exist. This is new life for me a life without me lets see how it goes ..... the circle was complete years ago but the breaths are still to be accounted for.....

The Dark

We humans have this uncanny interest in all that is "Dark". Although not many are aware of it but somewhere inside us there is this attraction.. maybe interest... curiosity or plain and simple way of expressing what I want to say is we are all intrigued by the "dark".

Recently "the dark knight" movie has broken all time records ever at the box office. Is it only because it is a flick or may be it is because the evil character played by Late Heath Ledger is so dark that it connects with audiences of all age groups (not to mention the exceptional job that heath has done in portraying the dark Knight in all its glory). Remember the Spider Man 3 where our friendly neighbor hood spider man gets acquainted with his dark side.

Before anyone gets the idea that this is going to be a posting about movie reviews let me try and get it back to the theme which is "the dark".

The dark in any form intrigues me... but the one to which I connect the most is "the power cuts". The darkness caused by the absence of light. Its a different world to sit in the room where there is no light. The normal every day routine surroundings take a different form and identity when explored in the dark. The best example that comes to my mind is that of a story by Frank Kafka"The Metamorphosis" where an ordinary boy turns into a Giant spider and how he chooses to be in the dark all the time in his room so that his family will not see his flawed appearance. In all black atmosphere he takes refuge from his harsh reality.Various furnishings of his room like a simple sofa becomes his hiding place... under it he finds safety and comfort ... his room takes a whole new meaning for him in the dark....

I remember the long power cuts and how excited I would get when there will be no power in the nights. Am sure my mother felt differently because she had to fan us till we went off to sleep. But for me the minute the power went off it was time to explore my dark world where I would come up with stories like walking alone in the forest... or pretending to be an adult on an adventure trip. One of my favorite themes would be to be with huckleberry fin and be part of his adventures... sometimes I would pretend to be hanging out with Oliver twist... as time passed I realized my preferences have changed. Today whenever there is a power cut I still do retreat in my dark world I have realized that I enjoy walking in the dark, taking a stroll (for real in the known surroundings)... or when I am in my room I usually try and imagine myself as one of the characters from the books which I would be reading and live in the world of the book as per my understanding and imagination.

Another form of darkness that catches my interest is the paranormal. I still am not sure whether I believe in paranormal or not but I sure am very interested in it. I remember even as a child I would dig watching flicks that dealt with the other world. But few months back I remember watching "The exorcism of Emily Rose" and had a dream more like a nightmare where I really did feel as if my interest in Paranormal or evil is not one sided maybe it too was getting interested in me and thats when I decided to stick with the dark that surrounds me and makes me feel safe and comforts me rather than the one which engulfs me in its rage of destruction.

Ai nadaan; zara soch kar maang apnae parvar digar sae
woh sunta hai aur kaboolta hai
phir tu kiya gila shikwa karega …akhir dua to teri hi thi

Full Moon night & an Invisible visitor

Lying on a mattress in a corner she watched the night sky…. Through a window… the view was very pleasing and one could see the full moon through the branches of white Indian pride (that’s what they called that tree with white flowers growing in bunches)… the branch was laden with flowers and it looked absolutely divine.

She turned her back towards the door and focused on the flowers, beautiful, symmetrical and in abundance… this was her favorite pass time as she waited for sleep to put her conscious mind to rest. It was well past midnight and the room was lit with purity of a full moon… every thing looked so different in this light. There was a mystical glow an aura surrounding every thing… the silver photo frame was gleaming in the moonlight the shadows were still and the room was filled with peace. She thought of taking a walk. The thought of walking on a full moonlight when the world around her was quiet and dreaming made her check the time…it was half past 2 am.

That is when she decided its time to explore the night all alone…she slipped out of bed in her cotton nightgown barefoot … the outside was safe since the house had a brick boundary all around it, her dad had labored over the garden which surrounded their house which made the walk all the more appealing. As she opened the old wooden door and stepped out the smell of fresh neem mixed with wild fragrance of different flowers welcomed her. Inhaling deeply and congratulating her self on the decision of taking a walk she walked around the garden taking account of new saplings, the freshly watered grass was soft under her feet… she checked the dampness by walking around for a while and then decided to lie down for just a while listening to Sharon prabhakar on her walk man.

All of a sudden a weird feeling gripped her, it felt as if she was not alone…as if someone was lying down beside her… surprisingly it did not disturb her at all … she welcomed the invisible company … switched off her music and started sharing the beauty that surrounded her with her invisible visitor. There was a comfortable silence that one often shares with a friend they have grown together with , where words loose their meaning and silence speaks volume…

After some time as she could hear the chirping of the early morning birds… and smell fresh burning wood smoke in the air… she thought to her self some one around the block was starting the mud stove …she opened her eyes and looked at the time display on her walkman it was 4 am in another hour the house will wake up to a new morning. She collected her walk-man and got up…vainly trying to brush away the wet patches on her night gown, turning around she took one final look around the garden, beautiful sunrise turning the night gently into dawn… the Indian pride … the grass, beautiful flowers, heaving sigh of contentment she started walking towards the door, as she entered the house she wished her invisible friend goodbye and eternal existence in her life.

har baar socha tha ki ab dard nahin hoga sab to lahoolohaan hai khoon nahin ab mujh mai .... phir bhi jab jab war hua ek lal nadi bahti hai merae dil sae aur matti mai mil jati hai..

Mr. R.

The first time I saw Mr. R was in 89' in a small narrow gully playing cricket with the local boys. The ray ban glasses, woodland shoes, and Levi jeans he was all dressed up for the cricket. I saw him from the corner of my eyes and was instantly charmed by his mannerism. The first thought that came to my mind was ... he looks so comfortable yet out of place..playing gully cricket with these dirty kids from the roadside. Next day when I went to school there he was the same guy dressed in dark blue trousers, light blue shirt and a dark blue tie with golden stripes on it (that being the school uniform), black shoes well polished and that grin how can I ever forget that grin which said "I know the effect I am having on you and I kind of like it"
He was in 12th standard and I was a standard 8th student. If I looked across the veranda I would get the clear view of his class room, every now and then I would take a look in the hope catching a glimpse of that tall profile.
The school bell rang and it was interval as I was coming down the staircase he comes up to me and says “hi”, like a typical school girl who had never ever been greeted by some one so good looking I stared back at him, and he says “hello I am R” and waits for a while, I make a feeble effort to introduce myself... he smiles and says “I know who you are sandy”.

Every day I would get all decked up for my school and anxious to meet my friend Mister R. Days turned into months and months into years, 11 years to be precise since I saw him playing cricket. My first ever best friend, my pal, my yes man(he would spoil me silly by saying yes to anything I said irrespective of its complete lack of logic and relevance), we would tell my father that I am going to get his smokes and would ride on his bike to Lucknow (90kms) from where I use to live, would come back home after a 2 hours ride with the smokes, a beer in my tummy and smell of wind in my hair. Once he finished his college he moved out and started some business of his own, I too was destined to travel for education, work and more. We would talk on the phone every now and then, we had become different people with individualistic values over a period of time. He would call me and would try to keep in touch, I would not return the calls thinking its not the same Mr. R, our differences would stop me from connecting to him, life had changed him, made him bitter and cynical, he was holding on to the past and I was too busy with the my future; my friend was calling me and I just turned a deaf ear.

Then one evening as I was doing dishes after a hearty meal with my friends, the phone rang...“hello sandy you remember Mister R.?" I replied "yea what about him?" " he is dead”…. I mumbled "Our Mister R.?” “Yes ours”…. that was November 13th 2000, he had met with an accident on 12th November... My childhood friend was gone the only man who would call me "chotu" and I would not mind was gone forever so many thoughts crossed my mind, I would trade anything to go back to those days of bike rides , teasing girls and boys, would love to have some one as good looking and trust worthy as him tailing my rickshaw, someone who knew me from my frock days till date, it would have been wonderful to have you here with me today Mister R. would have been fun sharing my adulthood experiences with you.
I Miss you and hope that when we meet again we can pick up from where we left… until then you are remembered everyday…!!!

Night Clubbin

Ten years ago when she was trying to convince him that the 16 years age gap does not matter when two people who know what they want are in love he related an incident to her and she thought to herself; how can some one as evolved as him could even bother about something as petty as 16 yrs age gap.

The incident that he related was about night clubbing in Delhi in the year98' he then in his mid thirties was invited by twenty something girl to join her for a night out of clubbing and pubbing. The night turned into early dawn and by the time they drove back home he was exhausted, tired and very disappointed. He told me it was nothing of the sorts he expected it to be , the club was full of young people, there was loud music, lots of smoke, and some how he could not relate to the music, the people, the trend, the way night was passing by everyone, he knew he was out of place.

When he was relating this story to her she thought to her self how can anyone feel out of place in a night club, after all the idea of pubs and clubs is to go there and spend the lonely hours among people and then when you have had your fill of good alcohol, music, people, dancing and all the noise; you come back home and sleep it off.

On a warm evening of March08' as she was sitting in the taxi heading back home she remembered this incident and her friend, after a 40 minutes visit to a night club. She understood what it felt like to be out of place in a night club which was not full of people but was filling up with the young crowd of 20 something, the music was loud with lots of beat and she did try to shake a leg but some how the rhythm was evading her, the alcohol also was not tasting right. Next morning she called up her friend and told hey I too have arrived in the genre of getting there types the thirties have started reflecting on my taste of music, people, places, food, partying, everything has a essence of new me of thirty something.

On second thoughts may be the nightclubs are still doing the same thing but its the thirty some thing people who have different perspective to it, the way one enjoys hip grinding music in their teen and twenties is a lot different when you hear the same kind of music in your thirties. You want music that will automatically move your body, lyrics that will bring back the nostalgia of listening to that track for the first time and subtle rhythm that will sway your body in a graceful manner, no wonder todays nightclub makes us feel out of place.

Maybe someday there will be night clubs and pubs where thirty something singles, wanna be singles, not single but keen to mingle kinds can get together, dance to the tunes they can relate to and enjoy the nightclubbing as it should be by all, irrespective of their age and lifestyles.

Frandships n more ....

Sunscreen song from Baz Luhrman talks about life, the lyrics hit home every time it plays. As one goes through the process of life we come across so many individuals, every body has a role to play. Sometimes it’s hard to connect with the current surroundings. As a child all we do is wait to turn into adults and sometimes the transition is very subtle at times its very abrupt.
When does one starts taking a call and being responsible for their actions. Planning a trip abroad, investments, deciding on buying a car, a house, taking decisions, so on n so forth. There is no end to it... I guess. I remember the first official decision I ever took was to go abroad for my "further" studies and once I boarded the plane I just wanted to get off that plane and run back to mommy & daddy, its then I realized that now am responsible for my decisions; too much effort, money and hope has been invested and there is no turning back for me.

Sometimes when we feel disconnected with the present, it’s the past that reaches out to us and helps us get reacquainted with our roots, or give us a sense of direction. It’s always nice to know that there are still a handful of people who were there when one started dreaming, planning, and was getting all excited about the life ahead. Somehow these people connect with us at a very grass root level, a level which is still very raw, and "U".

I always used to think how would it feel to have friends for years together; most of my childhood was spent shifting schools, home, places thanks to my parent’s choice of profession. I enjoyed moving around to newer places, meeting different people, understanding new culture... literally speaking "Ghat ghat ka paani piya hua hai" and what lovely ghats. Anyway coming back to the point I never really did think I would be around the same set of friends for long.

For a person who has lived a childhood full of social activity in the state of Uttar Pradesh, living in a metropolitan city does take its toll. Last two months had been full of erratic feelings, sometimes emptiness, at times extreme joy, mostly very disconnected and disjointed existence, I felt as if I am reaching the edge of Nowhere.
Then one day in the middle of the dull boring afternoon, I get a call from a friend and one is reconnected with their self, their past, all of a sudden Iwas buzzing with life. A phone call away was my existence, it tells me where i am heading and what do I have to work for... I am going home to my roots, I am going to lie under the starlit sky, think of "waglae ki duniya", with a bonfire around me, lots of night noise, or it could be warm afternoons, spreads of freshly washed grain all around, the familiar smell of wet earth, listen to radio, and enjoy the long power cuts and careless bantering under the big Neem tree with frands I love, I miss and want to share my existence with.

Control freak!

Finally life was going the way she expected it to. It seemed like an eternity to wait for things to fall into places in the same order as she had wanted them. There was calm routine about everything , work was good and used to keep her occupied in the most pleasant manner, friends were there with a new understanding of the work pressures and acknowledging the need to be with each other, socializing was also in just about the right doses.

Every weekend she would look forward to cooking a great meal, spending a lazy afternoon with a book, some music, and may be an evening out for drinks, careless bantering... she was soaking up the essence of her existence... carefree, fearless, passionate, focused, ready to explore all those interests which she had been mentioning as hobbies and never got time to really get acquainted with. She was happy, life was not very adventurous but there was a strange calm and a peace within her, it had been a while since she felt this way. Finally she thought to herself I have control over my impulsive nature, I have learnt the art of controlling my self and my surroundings and now nothing can sway me away from this new found control over my self.
But as they say there is always a deathly calm before the storm. She wonders about that evening when she thought it was just the kind of adventure she needed.

The adventure it self was fun and very pleasant but now it would not leave her. Whenever she was alone the thoughts would just barge in and disrupt a quiet evening which she had been looking forward to or was planning on having. It had been a while since anyone disrupted her calm and peaceful evenings; quiet moments where she would just soak up in her present. Now it was all gone.... there was no time left for her, all her free moments were the most exhaustive ones which left her wondering about all that could be, or what she feels about how it should be... there is no control over memories, thoughts and desires. They have taken over completely what she had created all her life, in just one evening.... now the memories of that evening control her.... she always did havea strong bond with CONTROL, now its was her turn to get controlled...

Zindagi mazak nahin karti janeeman...

How true... or is it?

I knew from the very early stages of my consciousness that i don't agree with working of this world. May be I just knew that I am going to be a misfit in the way people expect me to be. Being the youngest in the family and a daddy's girl no one would dare take pangas with me. Living in a small town of Uttar Pradesh (a state in India) life was fun, exciting and carefree.

Most of my childhood memories are of a small district called Jalaun, and the name of the place is Konch. My parents were posted there as a couple for a Govt. Hospital, dad a surgeon and mother as a gynecologists.

In the rural of India even today doctors & teachers are respected and get to enjoy a very privileged existence.
The place was more like a village- town and needless to say there were not many good schools where one could go , so my elder sister was put in the boarding and since I was too stubborn to be let out of constant supervision of my parents at least for the time being (after few yrs I did end up joining my sister in the boarding school) it was then decided my education will continue in KONCH.

The school in which i was put was called "Tagore animal school" they misprinted memorial with animal i guess ... the mazak on my existence had started or may be for all practical purpose its no joking matter at least not for me. From there on I changed many schools, colleges, institutes etc but its the Tagore animal school where my educational foundation was laid. (After Tagore animal school, there was Emma Thompson, Scared heart, Govt. girls inter college, Alexander college, Hindu kanya pathshala, Welingkars and so on...)

To me it was not a big deal so they mis-spelt the name, it was still a school, we had a principal, and a couple of teachers too, and I remember having annual day functions where in one of the school plays I even danced with diyas and burnt my hair.... little did I know at that time that my life will be full of experiences where there will misspell names, misunderstood lessons and every thing that’s just a little off the right tangent.

It was much later I realized that all these "misfits" which seem funny till date when mentioned have actually carved the path for me on which i walk alone. Life has dealt me a good deal and I am very blessed to have received all i asked for, some times u make a wish without realizing that if it comes true what would u do.... all my wishes have come true in a very weird manner & I know that some one is listening to my prayers and granting them.
I know that sometimes what u ask for is not something u really want and I know I will be asking more as I live and seeking more experiences be it good or bad, mistakes which look and sound funny will teach me a life's lesson cause i know that zindagi Mazak nahin Karti zaneeman....... woh humsae har chance par dance karati hai.!

Feelings I used have aren't there, and for the first time in so long.... I really just dont care

........main kab ka jaa chuka hun sadaayein mujhae na do

I say : ek din aisae hi sulag sulag kar rakh ho jaongi
She says: sulag kiyu rahi ho .. dahakti kiyu nahin..? tumhaen dhakene sae kaun rok raha hai?
I say : mujh mai daheknae ki takat nahin
She says : to phir kisi aur ko hawa daenae do agar khud nahin kar sakti ... kisi aur ko madat karnae do .....

and i hum to myself "shola tha jal bujha hu hawaayein mujhe na do...
mai kab ka ja chuka huun , sadaayein mujhe na do ....."

Artist: Mehdi Hasan
Shola tha jal bujha hu hawaayein mujhe na do
main kab ka ja chuka huun sadaayein mujhe na do

jo zahar pi chuka huun tumhin ne mujhe diya
ab tum to zindagi ki duaayein mujhe na do

aisa kabhi na ho ke palat kar na aa sakuun
har baar duur ja ke sadaayein mujhe na do

kab mujhako aitaraaf-e-muhabbat na tha ' faraaz'
kab mainne ye kaha tha sazaayein mujhe na do

Lents and Ash Wednesday ....

When I was young and I use to see my mother getting all worked up during the Lents with lots of prayer meetings, preparation of all kinds of delicacies for the members of the church who would visit every house and sing the good lords praises, bless the community and develop good ole' fellowship it would make me wonder ,"whats the big deal..? Jesus papa knows whats is to be done why bother with all the fellowship & prayer meetings ".

That’s all it meant to me lots of people getting together, singing songs, reading bible, collecting donations all in the name of "JESUS"... like a typical wanna be adult I would also attempt to keep Lents ... would get up early morning eat a very heavy breakfast and go back to sleep more or less like the Muslims keep their rozas. Usually Lents fall very close to Holi "the festival of colors and yummy Gujias" now this is the tuff part, its gets very difficult to maintain the dignity and accept the gujias saying "you know i will have it later in the evening" n through out the day u keep thinking about it n keep waiting for 7 pm so that u can officially break your lent n go munch munch n munch....

As I started understanding the world n its working i started keeping Lents a lot more sincerely where in no more temptations, pure fasting and in return i will ask god to grant me all i seek during these forty days.... it kind of worked for a while...

Then came year 2005... these were going to be the Lents which I will never forget.... because this was the year when i realized that god works in mysterious ways and its not always that u can strike a bargain with the almighty. I guess the Lents of 2005 were the most religious, sincere, pure Lents I ever kept with all my heart and soul and hoped and prayed to god to grant me one wish. I prayed and not bargained but alas it was not to be... that’s the time i realized sometimes even when your wishes are not granted , amidst all the disappointment and fear for the future god gives you strength and guides you through all of it to help you become your own being.....

Its not about repentance to me its about realization and acceptance, 40 days of self realization leading to self discovery of a simple fact that in spite of everything, I know I am truly "BLESSED"

“And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting. (Mark 9:29)”

Imprints of life in my dreams....

I woke up at 5:30 am with an uneasy feeling.... Some times when u have a lot of people visiting you in your dreams it leaves you feeling confused. Usually I am able to interpret my dreams and give them some weird logic but not this time.

Here I would like to point out that my dreams are my way of connecting with people and reaching out to them when the reality fails to do the same and often such visits are expected.
But this was different i had woken up from a very restless state and i so desperately wanted to know what the message was. After all its not every day u have your family, friends, dead relatives, failed romances and broken dreams takeover your subconscious state of mind completely. its was all so contradictory and I couldn’t understand why would i get all this in one dream it was a potent dose of my past which i am used to taking in small amounts everyday .......
In the evening after coming back from work i mentioned my weird dream to my sister (*which i do very often ie. discuss my dreams with her) over a cup of earl grey.. She said they are imprints ... of my life

Ummm imprints how aptly put.... it did make sense imprints (from my past) lost friends, broken dreams, wanna be ambitions, nostalgia and after all i have been thinking about my life since the day i created this blog. Been wanting to make a start and could not think of any one singular topic that I would like to post as my first official posting...so here it was imprints from my life encouraging me to start and initiate the blogging of my confused mind and lost soul.

"Don’t run from yourself ... because in the end you might be all YOU have..."

"I recognize my limits but when I look around I realise I am not living exactly in a world of giants." - Mario Andretti