Feelings I used have aren't there, and for the first time in so long.... I really just dont care

........main kab ka jaa chuka hun sadaayein mujhae na do

I say : ek din aisae hi sulag sulag kar rakh ho jaongi
She says: sulag kiyu rahi ho .. dahakti kiyu nahin..? tumhaen dhakene sae kaun rok raha hai?
I say : mujh mai daheknae ki takat nahin
She says : to phir kisi aur ko hawa daenae do agar khud nahin kar sakti ... kisi aur ko madat karnae do .....

and i hum to myself "shola tha jal bujha hu hawaayein mujhe na do...
mai kab ka ja chuka huun , sadaayein mujhe na do ....."

Artist: Mehdi Hasan
Shola tha jal bujha hu hawaayein mujhe na do
main kab ka ja chuka huun sadaayein mujhe na do

jo zahar pi chuka huun tumhin ne mujhe diya
ab tum to zindagi ki duaayein mujhe na do

aisa kabhi na ho ke palat kar na aa sakuun
har baar duur ja ke sadaayein mujhe na do

kab mujhako aitaraaf-e-muhabbat na tha ' faraaz'
kab mainne ye kaha tha sazaayein mujhe na do

Lents and Ash Wednesday ....

When I was young and I use to see my mother getting all worked up during the Lents with lots of prayer meetings, preparation of all kinds of delicacies for the members of the church who would visit every house and sing the good lords praises, bless the community and develop good ole' fellowship it would make me wonder ,"whats the big deal..? Jesus papa knows whats is to be done why bother with all the fellowship & prayer meetings ".

That’s all it meant to me lots of people getting together, singing songs, reading bible, collecting donations all in the name of "JESUS"... like a typical wanna be adult I would also attempt to keep Lents ... would get up early morning eat a very heavy breakfast and go back to sleep more or less like the Muslims keep their rozas. Usually Lents fall very close to Holi "the festival of colors and yummy Gujias" now this is the tuff part, its gets very difficult to maintain the dignity and accept the gujias saying "you know i will have it later in the evening" n through out the day u keep thinking about it n keep waiting for 7 pm so that u can officially break your lent n go munch munch n munch....

As I started understanding the world n its working i started keeping Lents a lot more sincerely where in no more temptations, pure fasting and in return i will ask god to grant me all i seek during these forty days.... it kind of worked for a while...

Then came year 2005... these were going to be the Lents which I will never forget.... because this was the year when i realized that god works in mysterious ways and its not always that u can strike a bargain with the almighty. I guess the Lents of 2005 were the most religious, sincere, pure Lents I ever kept with all my heart and soul and hoped and prayed to god to grant me one wish. I prayed and not bargained but alas it was not to be... that’s the time i realized sometimes even when your wishes are not granted , amidst all the disappointment and fear for the future god gives you strength and guides you through all of it to help you become your own being.....

Its not about repentance to me its about realization and acceptance, 40 days of self realization leading to self discovery of a simple fact that in spite of everything, I know I am truly "BLESSED"

“And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting. (Mark 9:29)”

Imprints of life in my dreams....

I woke up at 5:30 am with an uneasy feeling.... Some times when u have a lot of people visiting you in your dreams it leaves you feeling confused. Usually I am able to interpret my dreams and give them some weird logic but not this time.

Here I would like to point out that my dreams are my way of connecting with people and reaching out to them when the reality fails to do the same and often such visits are expected.
But this was different i had woken up from a very restless state and i so desperately wanted to know what the message was. After all its not every day u have your family, friends, dead relatives, failed romances and broken dreams takeover your subconscious state of mind completely. its was all so contradictory and I couldn’t understand why would i get all this in one dream it was a potent dose of my past which i am used to taking in small amounts everyday .......
In the evening after coming back from work i mentioned my weird dream to my sister (*which i do very often ie. discuss my dreams with her) over a cup of earl grey.. She said they are imprints ... of my life

Ummm imprints how aptly put.... it did make sense imprints (from my past) lost friends, broken dreams, wanna be ambitions, nostalgia and after all i have been thinking about my life since the day i created this blog. Been wanting to make a start and could not think of any one singular topic that I would like to post as my first official posting...so here it was imprints from my life encouraging me to start and initiate the blogging of my confused mind and lost soul.

"Don’t run from yourself ... because in the end you might be all YOU have..."